Time is Marching On Across My Face and Ass (Original Post 02/10/15)

Aging is the worst. Plain and simple. Aging is an evil unrelenting bitch on wheels that shows no mercy. Power walking 3 miles results in 3 days of shin splints. Walking along the beach for a couple hours leaves me with charlie horse cramps in my calves later that night. Perky jubblies begin to migrate north and start to resemble panty hose with a tennis ball stuffed in the toes. Your once juicy booty goes soft like an overly ripe dimpled peach that’s flat on one side from sitting in the fruit bowl untouched or moved for too long. And your arms? At some point you go from waving with your hand to waving with your tricep or at least the sagging loose skin in the general area of your tricep.

Speaking of skin, let’s talk about the changes going on with the skin on your face. If you’re lucky, you had a parent that occasionally rubbed you down with zinc oxide in the summer. Or you’re like every other human born before 1985 and you have dark spots also lovingly called age spots by the beauty industry. Oh, and that crinkly skin at the corners of your eyes that your friends call “smile lines”… yeah, crows feet. That’s what those are. Named after the annoying cawing bird’s dirty feet. Fitting. Moving north to the forehead. Bet you never thought all that much about it in your teens and 20’s. It was just a part of you that you debated occasionally covering with bangs. Then suddenly it becomes rumble strips slowing you down before you crash into your hairline which is changing too by the way. Thinning or getting coarse maybe even frizzy. Regardless, it will eventually turn into something weird that you have no idea how to even handle. Speaking of hair, you have a witch hair now growing out of your chin. If you don’t, you’re under the age of 32 and it’s only a matter of time. You’re welcome for the warning.

And so it goes. Shit get’s loose, saggy, achey and dark. You can try and take preventive measures but just know, you are fighting a loosing battle. To quote Steel Magnolias, “Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin’ across your face” and in my case, my ass as well.

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