The Negative Pull Up (Original Post 05/14/14)

They say that once you hit 30, shit changes with your body.  Your metabolism slows, gravity starts to march across your softer parts stamping them looser and dimpled like a piece of fatty meat, beat with a tenderizing mallet and suddenly opening the pickle jar takes a bit more effort. Who ever the proverbial “they” are, they’re right dammit.

It couldn’t have been a sudden decline.  It’s not like I went to bed a a hard body and woke up with grandma arms.  But it did sneak up on me.  First, my favorite jeans kept getting shrunk more and more in the wash.  Just the waist band and thighs though.  The length stayed true.  Go figure.  Then it was the arm openings on my short sleeved shirts.  That obviously was the laundry too.  And then it happened.  I moved to a sunny beach and had to put a bathing suit on.  Where the hell did that doughy white body come from?  And how did my bathing suit shrink…. Oohhhh.  Dirty fucking 30’s have struck.

So it’s time to wage war on this bodily decline.  I refuse to feel bad about myself now that I have seen what can never be unseen.  So for the last few weeks, I have been finding ways to get a little extra movement in my day.  Taking the stairs, offering to mow the yard with the antiquated manual push mower and parking as far away from the store when I run errands.  And I have added actual weight work outs to the mix.  I have been picking up my small weights and occasionally one of the heavier ones of the sailors to work on my arms, doing the “Brazilian Butt Lift” moves that I pilfered off the internet, and various series of crunches and planks.  But these are just little things.  The bigger deal is, I have cut out most terrible but delicious items I normally consume.  Instead I have traded them for vegetarian dishes made with fresh veggies and little to no carbs and a few fats as possible. If you know me, you know my soul is weeping for cheese.  Preferably melted over a perfectly prepared medium burger. But I digress and frankly typing that made me hungry for no reason. The bottom line is, I have been feeling better.  I don’t see much change yet but, I feel better and that’s something.

So that gets us to tonight.  Tonight, the sailor has duty.  This means I have the house to myself. So, while my vegan cruciferous and carrot casserole was cooking, I planned to sweat it out until the kitchen timer dinged time for din-din.  As I gathered the few items I needed for the planned activities, I noticed the sailor’s doorway pull up bar.  I had flashbacks to high school PE tests and only needing to accomplish one chin up from a dead hang.  It wasn’t so hard.  Could I do one now?  Probably not, but I MIGHT just get half way.  So I slapped that thing up and took grip.  The moment I started to strain to budge my gelatenous self up I knew it was a mistake.  But, it was the pop in the side of my neck though, that drove this fact home.   Needless to say, at the moment I can not look left with anything other than my eyes nor can I tilt my chin down to my chest.

Aging sucks.  I want a re-do on my 20’s so I can prepare for this downward spiral better.

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